A friend of mine sent this to me and I thought it was worth passing along…
Recently, the owner of the Washington Redskins has come under attack for the racially insensitive name of his team. Political correctness mandates that I agree with our offended Native American population, and that the name, and well as awe-inspiring team logo, which honors Indians as incredible warriors, is nevertheless offensive to the delicate nature of the formerly hardy, self-sufficient Indians (who now, after years of government “nannying” would be afraid to even see a picture of a buffalo!) Thus, in the keeping with the politically correct dictates of our speech and thought police, I would like to humbly suggest we change the names of the following sports teams:
To begin with, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians should be first out the door. If “Redskins” is offensive to those with red skin, certainly the Cleveland Browns would offend a number of racial groups; and worse, it will also offend many white people who spend too much time at the beach this summer. It is for the public good that all these names must be eliminated.
Carolina Panthers? There could be some concern that this evokes the memory of militant Blacks from the 60’s, but thankfully, we needn’t worry about sensitivities of white people. That name can stay.
The New York Yankees certainly offend the Southern population. What team do you see named for the Confederacy? Any teams from Florida or Georgia named the “Robert E. Lees” or the Bull Runs? The Civil War was tragic, costing millions of young lives and leaving the south devastated. “Yankees” is an insult to any one living south of the Mason-Dixon line, and we simply cannot allow a team name that thumbs its nose at millions of sensitive southerners, who had nothing to do with that war. It is time to put the past in the past. The Yankees need to walk a mile in the moccasins of all the other sports monikers, and – like the Redskins – take a hike off the nearest buffalo jump.
The delicate minds of atheists are clearly insulted by names like the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. Cultural sensitivity, as well as the new official religion of the U.S., humanism, demands that we rename them the New Orleans Agnostics, the Los Angeles Humanists and – in a nod to cross-sport equality and the unfair state of under-represented women in the NFL – the San Diego Feminists.
The Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates? To protect our children, these teams, which are named after groups which raped, pillaged and – horrors! – used muskets, must be banned, and all references to them scrubbed from any historical records. The newly formed Dept. of Homeland Language Police should be empowered to scour all public and private communications to root out any reference to these names.
The San Diego Chargers are particularly dangerous, in that they clearly promote the frivolous use of Visa, MasterCard and Discover cards. It is vital that our children be protected from running up credit card debt, in order that they can instead run up student debt later, amounting to tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. Otherwise, how would our leftist university profs get to retire at 50, while taking summers off and bi-yearly sabbaticals?
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants are too closely tied to the rampant epidemic of childhood obesity, and should be changed. A more fitting name, I humbly suggest, is the San Francisco Rainbows and the New York Madoffs. In keeping with the Madoff motif, the Jets should be renamed the Ponzis. And what about the Chicago White Sox? This name is dangerously close to implying only white people wear sox, but could also be interpreted as offensive to us who don’t do laundry very often. Though perhaps a bit wordy, my suggestion is to rename them “The Sox Got Lost in the Dryer” – although that could offend Maytag repairmen.
Meanwhile, hockey teams have a slew of offensive names. Here are a few:
Pittsburgh Penguins – Penguins are already under threat due to global warming. We need to can the name, and replace it with something that addresses the issue in a positive, politically correct manner, such as the Pittsburgh Gores (double entendre intentional).
Chicago Blackhawks – another offensive Indian name. I suggest the Chicago Corruptocrats.
St Louis Blues – anyone who has experienced a clinical depression should be outraged at this name. That is, if they could actually find the energy to get out of bed and write an outraged letter.
Columbus Blue Jackets – see issue with offensiveness to southerners. Perhaps since Columbus is so close to the Mason-Dixon line, we could make the simple name change of the Columbus Bluegray Jackets.
LA Kings – we fought a war to get rid of King George. I am outraged that we bring the name back. Obviously this is a covert attempt to reinstate the monarchy. Same with the KC Royals in baseball.
NJ Devils – too satanic, along with the Orlando Magic and Washington Wizards in basketball. The names are also an utter outrage to materialists.
Buffalo Sabres – this name clearly might incite school violence. If a kid can get expelled for biting a pop tart into the shape of a gun, or a 6 year old girl get thrown out of school for bringing a pink bubble gun to class, this name has to go, too. We can’t police our kids enough to make sure they are exposed to anything dangerous (Monsanto approved GMO food excepted).
Minnesota Wild: Wrong message to our vulnerable youth. Most principals I have polled chose the Minnesota Milquetoasts.
More names leftists want banned: Nashville Predators: Too close to being the Nashville Sexual Predators. Another name that simply has to go. Calgary Flames –could incite arson. We cannot take that risk. And the Carolina Hurricanes – haven’t we suffered enough with hurricanes Katrina and Sandy? I propose the Carolina “Beach Weathers.”
In basketball, the Utah Jazz offends all us classical music lovers, while the Pacers are in insult to those in wheelchairs. Minnesota Timberwolves? The name makes light of a threatened species. The Celtics insult all the Irish, and for all those that can’t swim, the LA Lakers are an incredibly insensitive insult. The San Antonio Spurs encourage violence against innocent horses, and I cannot think of the Houston Rockets without severe psychological duress, remembering the space shuttle.
On the upside, if we get rid of these all those baseball teams noted above, the Cubs just might have a chance. OK… maybe they still won’t. But it’s worth a shot. And thankfully, for basketballs’s Milwaukee Bucks, while the name is fine, they are just an insult to good basketball and their play is offensive. Dump ‘em and move the team into a local high school girls softball, slo-pitch team.
My suggestion: Let’s utilize some politically correct names that would really strike fear into the hearts of opponents, such as:
The Chicago Obama Drones
The LA Dioxins
The Seattle Sea Level Risers
The New York Anthropogenic Global Warmers
The California PCBs
The Boston Glyphosates (active ingredient in Roundup)
The Philadelphia Kermit Gosnells (or perhaps the Philly Abortionists?)
The Chicago Cubs? Since they are never competitive anyway, why not rename them the Chicago Socialists?
St. Louis hockey? Keeping with the color theme, change their name from the Blues to the Red Dye #2s.
And finally, in basketball, how about the Miami Agent Oranges – nice double entendre for any high school kid who actually is able to read after going through years of the Common Core curriculum.